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Introduction: Along Came She.

Have you ever felt yourself completely vulnerable to your emotions? Where nothing seems to feel better but to embrace the certain emotion you are feeling right at that moment? Well, prepare yourself for this blog as I, a brand new writer, continue to write about my own raw emotions in blogger form as you can say. Follow me on this journey and experience through my own eyes as to what each moment of life expresses as I pass through my 20s.

From romance to religion to family and friends, along came her life, as along came she.

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Regrets – Part VIII

Come on…15 minutes away?! How can I be in a city and there is no Uber driver near by?? I’m staring at my phone so hard that I don’t even know what I’m ordering at this point. I don’t care what car I get into, I just need to get away from Tristian’s place asap. Away from his place, away from his ex, away from him – 

“Jasmine?”

And at this moment, I said every cuss word I could think of in my head. Because I knew exactly who just said my name. I look up slowly and there he was.

“What..what are you doing here?” Tristian asks as he locks his car and walks towards me. 

“You know what, honestly? I don’t even know at this point.” I look back down at my phone. Okay..10 minutes left.. I got this..

“Jasmine.” He grabbed both my arms, but I pushed him away, raised one eyebrow and looked him up and down. “You have a visitor waiting for you.”

He nods as he understood who I was talking about. “Listen..it’s not what you think – “

“Oh really?” I crossed my arms together and looked him dead in the eye. “Then, tell me. WHAT IS IT TRISTIAN?? Because clearly, last time I checked you were over at my place at 2 am begging me to come back!”

He looked down as he rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. “..that was weeks ago Jasmine. Weeks. At least a month ago..” He looked back up at me. “And it’s not like you haven’t been ignoring me. And second of all, it really isn’t what you think. She came by unexpectedly, and told me she just came back from a funeral. One of her family members had just passed away and she needed somewhere she could go. I told her she could just sit at my place for a while but I had to go somewhere.”

“Oh you just had to go somewhere but you let her just ‘hang out’ at your place?” He nodded. “Yeah? So?” I laughed in disbelief. “You know what? I don’t have time for this. My uber will be here in 5 minutes.” I started to walk away until I felt him grab my arm. 

“I went over to your place” He said. I froze in my steps and turned around. “Why…did you do that?” 

“Because…” He pulled me in close, as I let him do so. “I told you I wasn’t ever going to give up on you..” He moved a hair strand out of my face as he looked at me. ” I need you Jasmine.” He proceeded to hold my face in his hands as he searched my face..searched my eyes..searched my lips. He leaned in to kiss me and for a second I let him. I wanted to see if it had been the way it was the few years we were together. If that chemistry was still there. If our love had remained the same no matter how far away we were from each other. I wanted to see if I truly still loved this man and wanted to be with him. And as his lips interlocked with mine, I pulled away. Because I finally realized why I came to his house.  

“You don’t need me. You never did. And even if you think you do now… it’s only because for a minute you thought you could have me back. I understand you realize now that you messed up. But I’m not going to be your guinea pig, where you realize when you’re ready and when you’re not depending on how you feel when we are together. I loved you. I still do. But I know at this point, I can’t be with you.”  I took a step back and let out a sigh. “I came here to tell you, I need space. I need to figure out my own life. I don’t know if we are meant to be. Shoot, maybe I might be making a mistake right now by not taking you back. But it honestly doesn’t feel like it. And to be honest, I’m starting to have feelings for someone else..”

Tristian looked at me. Stared at me long and hard. I felt awkward just standing there in the cold with the wind blowing hard while he looked at me. “Don’t tell me it’s Jacob” he said. I nodded slowly and looked down. “And you give me crap for my ex? And you’re dating my TRAINER? This is unbelievable.” I threw my hands in the air in disbelief. “It wasn’t even my fault. It wasn’t like I knew that it was your trainer Tristian!”

“Yeah but you STILL continued to talk to him, didn’t you?” He said. But before I could speak, he started to walk off. I called out for him and he turned around. “You know what? Take your space Jasmine. Because now I need mine.” I saw a glimpse of a tear about to run down his cheek. And in that moment, my heart hurt. It wasn’t like it hurt like a bruise, but it hurt as if it was so heavy that I couldn’t even move my body. It was as if I could barely breathe right. Because in this moment, I hurt the one man I thought I would vow to love the rest of my life. I hurt the man I vowed to never hurt. And here I am, realizing how much I hurt him. As I fight back the tears, I see him walk away and go back in the house. I look down as a tear drop hits the surface of my iphone. Dang it. My uber had been here 15 minutes ago and left because I didn’t see that he called and texted me saying he was here. It’ll be another 10 minutes for my next uber driver. I hugged myself tightly. Trying to understand that I did the right thing. That I needed to let him go. I needed to let Jacob go too. Because in this moment, the only person I wanted to love on – was me. No matter what guy tried to come persuade me the opposite. It’s my time. And I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me otherwise. 


Two years later…


My phone vibrates as I’m driving. My bluetooth connects and I smile seeing the name pop up on my car screen. I pick up. “I’m on my way.” 

“You better tell me everything. And when I mean everything, I mean EVERYTHING after you get done with that date.” 

“Are you okay? Where are you Marie?” As I hear her panting.

“Oh..I’m on the treadmill. It’s only been 2 minutes..I need to walk on here for at least 5, but goodness I ate some heavy chinese food that killed me! But let me tell you Jas..there are some fine men up in here. I’m about to do some squats TODAY!”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “You are always doing squats Marie.”

“Listen..I’m gonna hang up, because…I can’t even breathe right..and I can’t look crazy trying to breathe right and talk on the phone at the same time.” I laughed. “Okay Marie. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m about to park now.”

We say bye and hang up as I pull into a Italian restaurant. He told me to meet him here, because he swore I would fall in love with it. We were on date 16 now, and had called it official by our 5th date a few months back. 

I had nice brown booties on, with light blue jeans that had a rip on the knees. I had a floral pink shirt on that was under my brown leather jacket. My hair was down just the way me and him both liked it. My make up was done with a neutral lip color to make sure my pink eye shadow popped. 

“I’m inside” He texted. I walked out of my car and into the restaurant. I immediately saw him.

Jacob. Standing near our table. Wearing the dark green long sleeved shirt I got him for his birthday, with some dark jeans. Man he looked amazing. “Good evening gorgeous lady,” as he kissed me on my cheek and pulled out my chair for me. I sat down and he pushed me in and proceeded to sit down across from me. “Well good evening babe, how was your day?” He nodded his head side to side. “You know..same old. Work was work. Busy as normal. But blessed that I’m able to own the gym now.”

“I’m so proud of you for how far you’ve come with being an owner! Matter of fact, Marie is at the gym now checking out some of your guys.” I said to him. Jacob laughed. “She knows I got her if she wants me to hook her up.” I laughed. “Oh she knows. Don’t worry, she’ll let you know too.”

“So did you get the invite?” Jacob asked. I nodded. It wasn’t weird. He knew Tristian and I had become friends. After our incident, we took months before we finally said any words to each other. Tristian was graduating from his masters and Jacob and I both knew his new girlfriend would be there. And his new girlfriend seemed better for him than I ever would be for Tristian. And I was genuinely happy for him. We still cared for each other, but our friendship was on another level, where we both accepted our past for what it was and moved forward as mature adults. Jacob was no longer Tristian’s gym trainer which happened quickly after I told him I had feelings for Jacob. But now, they were on better terms and even now, work out buddies. At least here and there if not regularly. “Yeah, you’re coming right?” I ask him. Jacob nodded, “Yeah! Unless you aren’t. Then I’ll tell him I got sick off some cooking you gave me.” He winked. I tried punching his arm from across the table but he dodged, making me nearly knock over his water. “That would have been bad” he said, and we both laughed. “I’ll get you after dinner. But yes! I’ll let Tristian know we both are coming.” 

We ordered our food and once the waiter left, I grabbed his hands. “I’m so thankful for you.” He looked at me with question. “What made you say that all of a sudden?” I smiled at him. “Because I just am. Seriously. Just two years ago I was in a mess when you came in my life. And here we are now, finally able to be together. It’s crazy what time will do.  I just feel like, everything now is right.” He squeezed my hand. “Marie..I can’t think of a more perfect person for me. And I know our timing is now. I love you. The person you are. The person I’ve seen you be to your family, your friends, the person you have been to me. And even though we may disagree here and there, you make me incredibly happy, and I am so thankful for you as my girlfriend. I’m ….so… in love with you Jas.”

I teared up. “I love you more Jacob.” He reached across the table to wipe my tears. “I don’t ever want to see you cry.”I smiled. And in this moment, I knew. That I was right two years ago to focus on myself. To even put a pause on my relationship with Jacob and put me first. Because it led me to this point. To the man I really was meant to be with. Because time shows everything. And for that, I am thankful. For that, I have no regrets. 

Regrets (Do Better, Part VII)

I open my eyes to the sun hitting my face as I squint to the rays booming in the room. Still squinting, I looked down and saw that I was still dressed from the night before. I looked around me and saw that I was on my couch with two blankets covering only my upper body. I push myself up, and then it hit me – my head was pounding vigorously. How much did I drink last night? I don’t even remember falling asleep or sitting on this couch. I knew Marie was with me but I don’t even see her anywhere. And just like that – she came barging in with two large coffees and a CVS Pharmacy bag hung on her wrist. She handed me over one of the coffees. “It’s a hot peppermint mocha with extra sweetner in it, just the way you like it. And oh, here is some ibuprofen for the headache I know you probably have. I also got you a muffin to take with that ibuprofen.” She flashed me a smile and sat down next to me, wiping my hair from my face.

“Ugh..I feel so sick. How much did I drink last night? Why do you seem fine and I don’t? Didn’t you have like three glasses at least?” As I took back 4 ibuprofen pills, and drank some of my coffee. 

“Yeah I had a couple, but you drank the rest of the bottle…and a half.” She said as she gave me the blueberry muffin.

“Excuse me??” Almost choking on my first bite of blueberry muffin. “You did not just say a bottle and a HALF Marie!”

“Ohhh..yes I did.” I looked at her in disbelief as she shrugged. “Hey now listen. You threatened to take your phone and text Tristian or Jacob if I didn’t give you some more wine. So the wine it was. But I took care of you, no worries.” I let out a big sigh and fell back on my couch as I whimpered. I had completely forgotten about what happened last night for a split second.

“But…there was one point where..” Marie hesitated to finish the rest as she fake smiled at me and raised her eyebrows.

“Where what Marie??” As I look at her in question.

“Phew! The elevator was taking too long so I took those stairs. That’s my workout for the morning!” As Jacob flew in with another bag barging in my front door.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FU-

“Rise and shine beautiful” Jacob looks at me with that charming smile of his as he winks at me. 

“Marie!!!! Can I um…Jacob, hi. How the …Marie..” I was at a loss of words.

“Hey Jacob, can you give us a second?” Marie looked at him and pointed towards the other room for him to go in.

“Oh whoops, yeah sure.” He looked down at the bag and proceeded to hand it over to me. “I got you some emergen-c packets to help with the hangover.” He shrugged “It’s always helped me with those.”

I slowly take the bag and stare at him in disbelief. Not because he bought me those packets, but how the heck did he get in here? What in the world happened last night?

He gave me a half smile and went into the other room. I watched him walk away until I couldn’t see him anymore and then turned over at Marie. “Ex-plain. NOW.”

“See…” Marie scratched her head. “Remember when I said that you either were going to take the wine or you were going to text either Jacob or Tristian? Yeah well. You took the wine and then you grabbed my phone. No idea how you found Jacob on instagram but you did and you decided to message him on there..and then called him off of there…and then you guys were messaging each other again. And I only realized it when I heard you giggling in that corner on the floor next to the window. And by the time I ran over to get my phone …he was knocking on the door.”

“Oh my gosh.” I grabbed the pillow next to me and covered my face with it. “Whyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!”

“Hey..it COULD have been worse Jasmine.” Marie said as she took the pillow from me and then put her hand on my arm. “He actually was really nice the rest of the night.” 

“What do you mean?” I said looking at her in genuine curiosity. 

“Well when he came in, he picked you up off the floor and then you leaned on his shoulder. It was cute. You both were laughing and he like brushed your hair away from your face. And then put you down on this couch. I saw him grab you a glass of water and held the cup while you drank from it. He also found the blankets and put it over you and sat next to you until you started to fall asleep. He told me he would watch you so I could go sleep in your bed. But of course I didn’t trust him enough, so I just watched from the other room just to make sure he didn’t try taking advantage of you. I know you were mumbling some stuff to him but I couldn’t quite hear what you said. Whatever it was, it made him chuckle a couple of times. I’m not sure if he fell asleep or not. But, he definitely likes you a lot Jasmine. He really seems like a good guy.”

“Wow…I don’t remember any of that.” I said. But I sat there and looked at Marie and half smiled. “I can’t believe a stranger did that for me. And I can’t believe my dumb behind found him on instagram. Like really?”

“Girl, me neither. But see, this is how I see it.” Marie turned towards me and held both of my hands together with hers. “You have two options – Jacob or Tristian. I have Tristian’s phone number in my phone. And you know that. But you decided to go the harder way and look on instagram for Jacob’s page. That says a lot. Maybe..you’ve moved on. And that’s okay Jasmine. I also don’t want you to feel obligated to pick one of them. You could even choose yourself! Just..promise me you’ll take some time out to really think about this.

“Yeah.” I sighed as I adjusted myself on the couch. “Yeah, I’ll do that.” I take another bite of my muffin and place it down on the coffee table in front of me. “Let me go talk to him..I think I need to apologize to him.”

“Yeah well, let me actually get going. Mom needs me this afternoon with some errands and I told her I would be home in a few.” Marie kisses me on the forehead. “Let me know how it goes okay?”

I nodd as I look up at her grabbing her stuff. “Hey Jacob, it was good seeing you.” As Marie calls out to him. Jacob pops up from the other room. “You’re leaving?” He says. Marie grabs her keys and gives him a hug. “Yeah, gotta help mom with some stuff. Thanks for the help last night.” 

Jacob chuckles. “Yeah, hope you got some sleep Marie.” As he looks over at me. I feel myself blush in embarassment. “Oh hush, you know I did” Marie looks at me and winks. She walks out the door with a final wave bye and closes it. I look at Jacob and he was already looking at me. “May I?” as he points to the couch I’m sitting at. “Yeah come sit.” as I pat down next to me. “Did you want any water or food?” I ask quietly. “Nah..I’m good for right now. I actually just quickly threw down a muffin as well while you two were talking.” He said as he sat down, leaning all the way back on the cushion and putting one arm across the couch as two of his fingers touched my shoulder.

I felt myself staring at him in his eyes nervously, as he looked back at me. I could tell he was scanning my face from my eyes to my lips as he half smiled. I felt the attracted energy we kept exchanging with each other in that moment. I caught myself from zoning out more, “So…umm.. about last night”. He shook his head a little bit as if he was zoned out like I was. “Yeah..hey, no worries..” 

“Well..” I tilted my head a bit. “What happened?”

“Oh.” He chuckled. “See um..you messaged me on instagram and said that it was great seeing me, and you wanted to see me again.”

Oh gosh..at this point I don’t think I want to hear the rest. But I let Jacob continue on.

“And I said the same back. You told me you and Marie were just hanging out at the apartment and would like for me to come by. And then you gave me your address. I told you that it was getting late and maybe another time, and that I didn’t want to intrude on your ‘girl’s night’ but you really insisted. You gave me your address and said the door would be open for me to come in. So I said I would be there within the next 30 minutes. When I got there, I didn’t realize you had been drinking. Marie was in shock and I showed her the texts. I saw you in the corner over there and decided to help you up. So..I picked you up and placed you down on the sofa because I could tell how tired you were. And I just waited until you fell asleep so then I could rest.”

“Jacob..” I close my eyes and cover my face. “I’m so..so..so-“

I felt him grab my hands from my face and put them down. His hands were a bit cold but so were mine. “Don’t even apologize. Don’t feel bad. And don’t feel embarrassed. If I didn’t want to come by, I wouldn’t have. If I didn’t want to stay, I wouldn’t have. I stayed because I did. Sometimes we need someone to help us out. So don’t worry about it.”

He was still holding onto my hands and I oddly enough was okay with that. I rubbed my finger against the back of his hand and looked up at him. “I am sorry though. But thank you for not judging me and putting up with me.” I laughed. “oh gosh..I didn’t even realize I had that much to drink.”

He squeezed my hands and let go of them. His vibe all of a sudden changed as he turned away from me and I looked at his side profile. “Listen..you did mumble some stuff to me. About Tristian..”

And this is where things go downhill. “Wh-wha-what did I say?”

“You told me about how you guys dated for some time. He’s your ex. And that after months of not speaking, he came back asking to take him back…how much of that was true?”

I sighed and looked at him. “All of it is true Jacob. I’m surprised Tristian didn’t tell you since you are his trainer.”

Jacob shook his head. “Nah. We don’t talk about stuff like that. I wasn’t expecting that at all.” “Trust me, ha, you’re not the only one.” As I look down, I felt him look back up at me. So I look up and our eyes connected again.”So..what are you going to do?” He asked. “Honestly…I don’t know. I need time. Jacob you’re great, but this threw me off.”

“So you’re saying meeting me threw you off? What’s that supposed to mean?” He questioned.

“No..no..I mean that meeting you was great. But I’m not sure the timing was right.”  

Jacob nodded his head. “Got it. Well, I should get going.” He got up from the couch. But I grabbed onto his hand. “Jacob wait…” He looked back down at me. “You got things you need to figure out Jas. I understand that. But don’t pull me into it if you don’t have a clear mind on what you want. Because you clearly know that I’m into you and ready to pursue you. You just have to be on the same page as me for me to continue.” I let go of his hand and nodded. I stood up and looked him in his eyes..gosh they were so gorgeous. And right then I wanted to kiss him. But I stood my ground..even though I kept looking at his lips, and I knew he was looking at mine. He started to lean in towards me as I felt our bodies inch closer to each other. The energy between us became stronger. “You’re right” I interrupted all the chemistry going on between us, looked down and took a small step back. “You deserve not to be led on. I need to figure out what I want, and when I do, I’ll let you know.” I grabbed his hand. “Thank you for last night. It means a lot.” Jacob grabbed the back of my head and brought me in, leaning in to kiss me on the forehead slowly. “You’re welcome. Even if things don’t work out, we can always be friends.” He winked at me and walked right out the door. I walked towards the door and locked it. Did I just make a mistake? Gosh I hope not. Because I felt like I knew where I wanted to be right now. And I was about to come unannounced, because my hands were too jittery to text Tristian and tell him I was on my way.


I got in my uber’s car and gave him the address to Tristian’s. It was so much easier to take an uber to his house instead of looking for parking. Anytime I used to go over there, it would take me at least 45 minutes to look for a parking spot and sometimes I would have to park several blocks down just because there would be nothing nearby. It would take 20 minutes to get to Tristian’s. It was 12 in the afternoon, and I was hoping he would be home. I kept thinking about the different times we had together. Our holidays we spent, from the adventures we had. Man..he had meant the world to me. His happiness was all I ever wanted when we were together. It felt like we were the perfect match. He was there when I fought through my anxiety attacks, from school and work. He held me during some dark times. I never fell for anyone the way I fell for Tristian. He was supposed to be the love of my life. 

“And we’re here.” The uber driver turned around and smiled. “Have a good rest of your day miss.” I smiled at him politely. “Thank you, you too.” And got out of the car. I went up to his building and knocked on his door. Please let him be there. Because if he wasn’t, I was an idiot. I waited a minute until I knocked again. The door finally opened and my heart dropped. It wasn’t Tristian. It was his ex. The ex he had before me. She was in this long black maxi dress with a deep low v cut in the front. She had dangling black earrings with a simple necklace. Her hair was down, slightly curled. Her eyes stood out with her smokey make up, and red lip stick. One of her hands was on the door knob as the other on the wall. She had the door cracked open just for me to see her but not to see much inside Tristian’s house. I felt this anger from within coming out of nowhere. It’s not like Tristian and I were together, so what was wrong with me? Maybe it was because I didn’t expect another female to answer his door. “Can I help you?” Oh, is that how people answer the door nowadays? ‘Can I help you’ – who does this chick think she is? “Yeah..came here to see Tristian.” I mumbled. 

“Oh he’s not here right now. He went to pick something up.” 

I nodded. “Okay well..I’ll just catch him another time.” I start to leave until she stops me in my tracks with what she says. “You look really familiar…did you and Tristian used to date?” 

I turn around and look at her as I nod my head. “Yeah..we were together for 4 years.” You could tell it hit her when she realized who I was. “Jasmine…got it. Funny, two of his exes both here at his house. What a coincidence isn’t it?” she smirked. I looked her up and down. “Yeah. Guess it is.” I started to walk off. “I’ll tell him you stopped by.” I heard her say. I kept walking but made sure she heard me when I said “Nah. No need for that.” 


Regrets (Do Better, Part VI)

“What’s got you all chippery today? Huhhh?” As Marie knudges my arm. She leans in to look at me even more as we sit at our favorite Mexican dinner place downtown.

“What are you even talking about Marie? I’m always this chippery!” as I flash a fake smile to her.

“Yeah, OKAY…you talk to Tristian or something?”

“Dang Marie! Can I not be this happy? Like…I’m always – ”

“Jasmine. Seriously? You’re going to act like this after knowing you for majority of your life. Cut to the chase and tell me!! Excuse me sir!” Marie raises her finger to the waiter. The waiter walks over to our booth. “Yes? What can I get you?” As he pulls out a pen and paper.

“Can I order a sangria for me, and one margarita for her. On the rocks? With sugar.” Marie always knew what to get me. Especially what to get me when she wants me to talk. I chuckle to myself as she looks at me with a curious face as to why I just chuckled.

The waiter smiled at Marie while putting his pen and paper away. “You got it. I’ll be out with it shortly.”

Marie flashes a smile back at him, and watches him as he walks away. Then looks back at me with a raised eyebrow. I already knew what that look was for – checking out the waiter. I slightly shake my head and look out the window to the street.

“Alright, tell me now. Before I take your phone and figure out what’s going on. You know I know the passcode to that fancy iphone of yours!”

“Alright ALRIGHT…I met a guy today..”

“I KNEW you weren’t chippery for nothing! Deeeeets! Because ya girl is all ears!”

I chuckled and proceeded to tell Marie about this morning. About everything. How I thought about when Tristian first asked me to be his girlfriend, to when I met Jacob. Even when I fell.

“Oh my gosh, you fell?? Well…that’s cute. At least he helped you up. I would have just laughed.”

“Shut up Marie, if you saw a fine guy, like our waiter you were checking out just a second ago – you would tell me you wouldn’t help him out if he just randomly fell down just now?”

“Well see..here’s the difference” Marie chuckled. “…You fell sitting down. I wouldn’t know how to help someone who does that.”

“Whatever” as I lift up my hand to her face.

“So…did you get his number?”

“What? Noooo. I was running late to work.”

“Are you kidding me Jasmine?? After allllll of this, you couldn’t even ask for his number?” Marie puts her palm to her forehead.  Our waiter soon enough comes back with both of our drinks in hand. I take a sip. Hm. Not a bad margarita. “He could have asked for mine.” I shrug.

“He probably was about to until you ran off! You’re not cinderella with a shoe that fell off. How is he gonna freaking find you?”

“I don’t know. Well whatever, maybe I’ll run into him eventually.”

Or maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe that was the problem. I was so caught up in Tristian coming over a few weeks ago that I’ve forgotten how to even talk to people..or even talk to guys when they approach me.

After dinner, we decided to head over across the street to buy a gift for Marie’s mom for her birthday party coming up this weekend. The store complex had several stores including a gym we were walking past.

“Ugh I need to get my butt back in the gym. I haven’t been in MONTHS!” Marie said as she grabbed her small stomach.

“Oh whatever Marie. You’re still fit. I don’t even know what you would work out.”

“Jasmine – do you see my arms?” Marie lifts her arms and tries to jiggle some of the bottom of her arm. “I need to stop eating so much carbs because this is where I’m getting all this -”

“SHH SHH! Marie!!” I loudly whisper, as I grab her from moving forward. Omg. Omg. Out of all places, how do I see Jacob here at the gym?!

“What?? What?!?” Marie says as she looks around us paranoid. “Why did you stop us?!” She whispers. “What are we looking at???”

“Okay..okay..don’t stare because I know that’s how you do. Just briefly look. There’s Jacob. Running on the treadmill closest to that staircase master.”

Jacob had a different outfit on this time – still just as suiting. A grey hoodie, with some dark green shorts.

“Oh good Heavens Jasmine…no wonder you were all chippery this morning.” Marie then proceeds to smack me on the shoulder.

“OW! What was that for?!”

“That’s for not being smart enough to get his number! Are you kidding me?! I thought I taught you better!!”

“Jasmine?” I hear someone else calling my name from behind. And I knew exactly whose voice that was. I freeze with eyes wide open. I grab Marie’s hand. “Omg this can’t be happening..tell me this isn’t happening…”

“Oh it’s happening alright” as both Marie and I turn around and see Tristian walking towards us.

“Hey, Tristian.” I cant tell if my heart was pounding super hard because I see Tristian walking closer towards us or if both Jacob AND Tristian are literally within the same proximity as I am right now.

“Hey Marie” Tristian goes in to give Marie a hug, and she looks at me with her eyes opening up big as she takes him in. “Heyyyy uhh Tristian…”

“What are you two up to? I didn’t think I would randomly run into you both like this..”

“Oh…just shopping.” Marie says since she could tell I was still in shock. I hadn’t seen Tristian since the night he came over drunk. Professing his love to me. Oh gosh, he professed his love to me. Oh my goodness this is awkward. Jacob is right in that gym.

“You ok Jasmine?” I snap back, as I see Tristian grab my arm and look intensely at me with worry.

“Yeah!! Yeah..I was um, just thinking about what to get Marie’s mom for her birthday this weekend. Marie shouldn’t we be getting to that? The stores are gonna close before you know it, ha.” As I look at Marie, she nods at me and looks at Tristian. “Well it was cool running into you. Take care.” Marie grabs my arm and we turn around.

“Jasmine wait.” I turn back towards Tristian. Marie lets go of my arm. “Can we talk later? I just…I really want to talk to you.”

I nod at him. Part of me felt sad. That it had to be this way. Awkward and distant. It wasn’t us. It never had been. But ever since he decided to move on and break up with me, I just haven’t been able to see him the same way. And maybe it’s because I have a guard up now, protecting myself from falling all over again. Or maybe I really have started to move on..but I knew we needed to talk about it. “Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

He half smiled. “Sounds good.” As he started to walk into the gym. As he started to walk into the – wait. The gym?!?

“You go here??” I said as he’s almost in the door.

He backs out to look at me. “Uhh..yeah. I’m meeting with my trainer. Been going for a few months now.”

I hear Marie laughing and I turn towards her and scowl. I look back at him about to say something until he interrupts.

“Oh here he comes now.” As Tristian daps up someone behind the door.

I tilt my head to see a glimpse through the window. “Omg Marie….” I mumble.

“You are lyingggg!” As Marie busts out laughing when she realizes who it was.

“Who you talking to out there? Go get on the treadmill because last time you were late you missed out on your cardio Tristian.”

Tristian opens the door more wide so that his “trainer” officially sees me. “Just talking to uh…her. This is -”

“Jasmine?” Jacob says. “Wow. Didn’t think I would see you two times in one day.” He flashes a hard smile at me.

Tristian looks back and forth between us. “You two know each other?”

I wave at Jacob with a half smile.

“Yeah. We met this morning.” Jacob says. “I would hug you but I just ran on the treadmill.”

“No..no it’s okay. Um..go enjoy your workout.” As I hesitantly laughed and started walking backwards.

“Hii!! I’m Marie!!!” As she jumps in front of me to wave and grab Jacobs hand and shake it. “Her best friend. The best friend that she tells everything to. And I mean EVERYTHING.”

“Marie, come on!” As I groan while grabbing her arm.

“Where are y’all off to?” Jacob says.

“They have to go buy Marie’s mom a birthday gift.” Tristian says, still looking confused. “I’m sorry where did you guys meet this morning?”

Marie glares at Tristian. “None of your business Tristian!”

Jacob laughs. “Come on Tristian, lets get to training. It’s been 5 minutes since you’ve been standing in between the door.” Jacob grabs Tristian by the shoulders and pushes him in. Tristian walks in and goes to the treadmill. We start to walk past the gym until I hear my name again. I turn around and Jacob is jogging towards me.

“Hey um…here’s my number.” As Jacob hands over a small ripped paper. “I feel like this was a sign for me to get your number since I was stupid not to get it this morning. Text me.” And he winks at me as he jogs backwards and into the gym. I froze. I looked in through the windows slowly as I catch Tristian looking at me and looking away as he runs on the treadmill.

“I’m going to cancel my dinner tonight with my parents.” As Marie brings my head close to her chest and pushes us to walk away together in sync. “And we are going to grab a bottle of wine and some cheese and have a girls night in. Because you need it. Shoot, I need it after what just happened.”

I whimper. This stuff only happens in movies yet here I am – running into both Tristian and Jacob today, together. And what a twist it is to know they both know each other. “Can we make sure to get two bottles of roscato?” I ask Marie as I grab her hand and lean on her shoulder.

“Yes, we can. Just as long as I can grab your phone from you so you don’t text anyone while you’re intoxicated and regret it tomorrow.” Marie smiles at me. I grab my phone from my pocket and hand it over to her. “Do what you please.”

Regrets (Do better, Part V)

The view of the sunrise at 5:35 am was exactly what I needed right now. As the sun warmed the city with it’s rays, I tried to catch my breath after finishing up my hike. I took a seat down on the ground, and tightened up my ponytail. Deep breaths..deep breaths, as I told myself. I closed my eyes and took in the moment I had to myself.

As I opened my eyes, the sun was almost fully up. And I remembered the time Tristian and I came up here when I officially became his girlfriend.

*Flashback occurs*

“Jasmine, I got something for you when I went to Cali to visit my mom”

“Reallyyy….hmm, look at you being all sweet!”

Tristian takes off his baby blue backpack, lays it on his lap and unzips it. He peeks in it, and stuffs half his arm in his backpack, digging in. “Dang, that big huh? That you have to use all your energy to take it out?” I said as I giggle. “Shut up” as Tristian squints his eyes at me to my response. 

“Aha!” He pulls out a white small box with a gold thin lace tied in a bow. Tristian hands me the box with a smile on his face. I look at him with a curious expression as I take the box from him. As I open it, he points to the box. “My mom helped me out with this one. I figured she’s better at shopping than I am.”

I gasp softly. It was a beautiful silver bracelet with small diamond cuts all around it. And in the middle, it had my birthstone. “It’s beautiful…you really didn’t have to spend SO much money on me Tristian!! I told you not to.”

“But I wanted to Jas..please ..have this gift.” He said as he gently grabbed the bracelet and put it on my wrist. “Okay” I said quietly as I smiled at him trying to put it on me. Tristian looked up at me with his hazel eyes smiling – “Please have me too..as your boyfriend?…and you, as my girlfriend?”

“Really??” I said as my eyes lit up. “Really.” He said, as he kissed the back of my hand where he put the bracelet on. “How could I say no?” I smile as I grab to –

“Great view huh?”

I jump to the sound of a deep male voice and remembered where I was. I slid off my butt in shock to turn around to a man behind me.

He was tall, with broad shoulders, and a hat on. He had a black fitted t-shirt on with Nike written on it, and some black basketball shorts on. He ran over to grab me as I fell. “Oh shit! I didn’t mean to scare you. I am so sorry ma’am!!”

As I stand up, I wipe the dirt off of my butt and legs. “No..no it’s okay. I should have been more aware of my surroundings.” I looked up and took a long double take at him. He had tan skin, with strong facial features. Strong jaw line that fit well with his scruffy dark black beard. Long yet strong nose, and high cheekbones, light brown eyes that glistened from the sun’s reflection on them making them even more beautiful than they already were. He smiled at me, and oh goodness, his smile was hotter than his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Uhhh..yeah! I’m fine. You’re fine. I mean, you’re not fine fine. I meant to say like you’re fine as it’s okay to scare me. I mean it isn’t okay to scare me but -”

He laughed. “I get it..I get it. ”

Oh my goodness. I had just made a fool out of myself…

“I’m Jacob” as he puts his hand out in front of me. I take it and feel his rough large palm against my small soft hand. “Jasmine” as I smile and look at him.

He chuckles as he looks down, then looks back up at me as he lets go of my hand. He pointed backwards towards the trail. “I was doing a run and saw you sitting here watching the view. So I thought I would go ahead and make a comment. And instead I scare you. Way to make a good impression huh?”

I softly laugh and sit down. I look up at him standing and staring down at me with a half smile. I smile back and pat on the ground next to me. Jacob slowly sits down and stares out in the sun that has come up. “Nah, you’re fine. If anything, I totally made a great impression by falling WHILE I’m sitting. How does anyone even manage to do that??”

He laughed. “Well, I’ll have to say, I’ll probably always remember that about you now.”

Great. How awkward.

“It was cute though. It made me laugh. I needed that.” He said as he turns back over to me. I look at him and for a second, we just look at each other in each other’s eyes. I could feel the connection, the energy that was pulling us together. I break away my eyes from him. “Glad I can make a stranger laugh. Do you come up here often?”

“Well I just moved here not too long ago from the midwest area. I heard about this trail, so I decided to try it out a couple weeks ago, and well..I’ve been trying to go at least 2 or 3 times a week when I’m not busy with work.” I nodd to his answer.  He continues after my nodd. “What about you Jasmine? Do you come up here often?”

“Yeah..here and there. I used to more often in the past then recently.” I switch from criss crossing to hugging my knees. “It’s a good getaway when you need it.”

“Yeah..it is..it’s a beautiful scene. It makes you think how small you are, compared to the rest of this city. And how easy it is to forget to appreciate life in general.”

“Yeah..you’re definitely right.”

And for a moment we sat there in silence. Just enjoying each other’s company, as we hear the small noises of the city waking up. Until I only realize what time it was..which interrupted my peace.

7:15 am. Crap. I have work in 45 minutes and I haven’t even made it down this 20 minutes trail.

“I hate to do this, but I gotta go for work.” As I grab my things and get up. Jacob watches me struggle to get up. “You need help?”

“No I’m good!” as I trip over a twig. “Um! It was nice to meet you! And great conversation! Maybe I’ll run into you again?”

He tries to stand up, but I motion to him to sit. “Enjoy the rest of it up here.”

He smiles. “Take it easy. Be careful going down. I hope I run into you again soon Jasmine.”

I bite my lip and wave at him as I walk backwards and then turn around facing the front of the trail. My phone vibrates..

Tristian’s calling.

I silence my phone and put it in my pants pocket. Smiling to myself. I have no regrets in being late to work today and I surely have no regrets in running up this hike this morning. It’s gonna be a good day.

 

 

 

 

Regrets (Do Better, Part IV)

I can’t believe I lost it. Dang it Jasmine, you were supposed to pull yourself together and not let that man get to you.

It’s been 6 hours since he left the apartment. Marie had fallen asleep next to me in my bed, while I was staring at my ceiling. It’s a Saturday morning, and here I am, instead of sleeping in – I’m wide awake. Thinking about how much of an idiot I looked breaking down in front of him.

I mean all he said was he was going to propose. Not that he got the ring. Not that he had everything ready to go. And I let myself break down.

But how could he have the guts to show up at my door and “profess” his love for me? Like that made any sense to do.

I guess it didn’t, but it makes sense when you have too much to drink.

Marie tosses her body over, facing me. I look over at her as she peacefully sleeps. Marie had this almost complete and perfect life. She was single too, but she had no ex problems. She was free as a kite, living life. Had the best six figured salary type job. Although she says that my life is just as awesome, I’m sure she would agree that right now it isn’t.

“Why are you creepily staring at me Jasmine?” I quickly looked away not realizing I was staring right at her while in my thoughts.

Marie gets up on her forearms and belly. “Jasmine. Have you not slept?”

“I can’t.” As I close my eyes and slump down in my bed as last night replayed over in my head. “Literally my brain is going hay-wire thinking what the heck happened last night. Like seriously Marie, what the heck happened?”

Marie scoots closer to me, slumps back down and puts her arm around my waist. She leans her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. “He loves you. And I think you forgot that. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, because..really, it’s a good thing you forgot. You started to move forward with your life. But I think when he told you that, you crashed. You were on this high about being single..being free… but the moment he told you how he felt, it was like you were back at square one, right over again.”

If I didn’t understand myself any better, I knew Marie did. I could always count on her to tell me why I felt the way I did and to really understand me. “I just don’t understand..after all this time. Why – ”

I look over and Marie had fallen back asleep. I sigh and pick up my phone to see what time it was.

9:37 am. I wish I could just fall asleep by now.

*phone vibrates*

Tristian: Hey.

And there it was. My heart pounded. I felt even more awake now than I did before I got the text from Tristian.

*phone vibrates*

Tristian: I couldn’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you. About last night. 

Tristian: I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.

I stared at my phone until I realized it said 9:57 am. I didn’t even know what to say at this point. I turned off my phone and placed it on the floor. I turned Marie over towards her side of the bed, laid down and closed my eyes.

I just wish this problem, this guy, would just disappear. If none of this happened last night – I wouldn’t even be dealing with this problem. I would be waking up from a good night’s sleep. And here I am, trying to put myself to sleep..

If there’s anything in life that I regret now, it’s that I shouldn’t have ever invited him in.

Do Better (Part III)

I sat down only to stand right back up seconds later and walk straight to the kitchen. I pour a glass of water as I feel his eyes staring at me from across the room. I put down the glass, open the fridge and grab the wine out. I need this. As I pour myself a glass and push the water to the corner of the counter.

I take a sip, and walk slowly to the opposite corner he’s in.

I look up at him, only to see him looking down at the floor now while he folds his hands together, shaking them up and down. “I wish I could have taken it all back…”

I feel myself trembling, wanting to say something but I let him continue.

“I can’t say sorry because at this point, what does that even mean? I left you. You were the best thing to ever happen to me, and I…I left you. I feel like there’s nothing I can say to win you back, but I feel like, in my heart, I have to try.”

My heart starts to pound. He’s drunk Jasmine. Don’t give in. After all these months. Don’t. Give. In.

“I love you. I never stopped loving you. And you can believe me or not, but there hasn’t been a day where I tried to push you out of my thoughts. You can’t blame me Jasmine for coming to your door this late at night, drunk AF wanting to talk to you. WANTING to see your face. Wanting to kiss you…”

I look up from my cup of wine as he stares at me with those hazel eyes. Dang he knew how to always make me nervous. After the years we spent together, the months we were apart, he still made me feel this way.

“Tristian, You’re not explaining – ”

He put his hand up, “let me finish. Please.”

I nodded. I needed to stay strong, but I just was so scared to be weak in the moment. In this moment.

“When I met you, I didn’t expect this..us..to be what we were. Remember our first date I took you to? That one Italian restaurant? I forgot the name – ”

“Bella’s” I said quickly.

“Bella’s..” Tristian nodded his head with a smile “Right.” I half smiled, “yeah.”

“I actually was planning on taking another girl out that night after you. We were going to go out to the bars.”

My smile faded quickly. “You’re not giving yourself any points right now.”

“I didn’t go though Jasmine. I canceled on her when you excused yourself to the bathroom during our date. You made me tilt my head to the side that night. I was curious about you. The way you made me smile at your corny jokes, and your beautiful smile. Something told me ‘I have to get to know this girl. There’s something about her.’ So…that’s what I did. We went on a few more dates, several more dates…everything I did for you was genuine. But, I got scared. I should have told you. I just didn’t want you thinking I was less of a man. I got scared because you were too good. You loved me for me. And you know my family. You know how screwed up they are. How my dad left my mom when I was born and I barely know the man now. How am I supposed to learn how to be a man to you when I never had that role model growing up?” I saw a tear roll down his cheek as he bit his lip. “I’m not trying to get emotional, but..I effed up because I didn’t know how to handle what was real, what was in front of me. So I thought that we needed to end things before …” He stopped and looked to the side, staring at the side wall.

“Before what?” I impatiently asked.

“Before I proposed.”

And in that moment, I lost it. I slid down to the floor and cried. He broke me with those words. Tristian ran over to me.

“Don’t touch me! Let me go!” As I tried to push him away, he grabbed tight around my waist, his head on my shoulder. I weeped on his shirt, and continuously hit his back with my fist. But he kept holding me tighter, taking my weak punches.

“Why would you do this? You know I loved you! You know I would have done anything for you!” My tears were running free at this point.

“I know..I know..” he whispered as he held me.

I finally was able to push him back and got up as he sat on the floor. I pointed down at him as my finger and voice were shaking. “Don’t tell me you know, when you have no idea.” I hiccuped and wiped my wet face with my sleeve. “You left me asking myself why I wasn’t good enough. What I did wrong, what could I do to win you back? You have NO right to tell me you were going to propose to me. That’s not fair.”

He slowly brought himself to his feet. “You’re right..”

As he was about to put his hands on my arms, my door banged. What now? Who the heck could it possibly be?

“Umm Jasmine? KEEP THE NOISE DOWN!”

I recognized the voice of my freaking neighbor downstairs that I can’t stand. As he kept banging on my door yelling some words I couldn’t comprehend at this point.

“Leave.” I said.

“What?” Tristian’s eyes got big. “No, we need to -”

I said leave.”  I walked to the door and opened it, my neighbor who was standing on the outside almost fell in from leaning against the door….nosey people I swear.

“BOTH of you leave.” I said as I stared down my 5 foot neighbor.

“Well you need to keep it down or else I’m telling our landlord.”

“And have you paid your last month’s rent bill yet or is that late too? Don’t think I don’t know your sh*t Mr. Haggens.” He looked at me up and down as he adjusted his red silky PJ set he had on.

“You better watch it.” He said, and proceeded to walk right back downstairs.

“Your turn Tristian.” As I still had tears coming down my face along with some snot from my wet nose.

Tristian came up to me forehead to forehead, as I allowed him to. I closed my eyes as one more tear fell down. He put his hands on my cheeks wiping the tears away, and stroking my face. “I’m not giving up.” He whispered. “Not on you. Not on us. Even if you try marrying someone else. I will be the first to ruin that wedding. And you best believe, I whole heartedly swear on that.” And he walked right out.

I closed the door, grabbed my phone and dropped to the floor. As I broke back into tears, I called Marie..

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

“Hello?” As I heard her sleeping voice.

“I need you Marie” as my voice cracked.

“I’m on my way.” She hung up.

I placed my phone next to me on the floor. I gently banged the back of my head on the wall and closed my eyes.

I shouldn’t have let him in. I shouldn’t have let him in.

 

 

 

 

Do Better (Part II)

It’s been months..months since you called, and texted.

Or even looked at my Instagram story.

I used to put them up so I could see your name pop up as a viewer. I didn’t do it for the attention of others. I did it for yours.

And here I am, with crazy bed hair in my black hoodie and pink Victoria Secret shorts standing with my front door wide open – frozen.

Because it’s 2:30 am and you’re standing right in front of me. Unannounced.

Looking at me with those deep hazel eyes I used to love looking into. Yet these eyes are a little red, and your breath smells like mixes of dark liquor that you’ve been taking back all night.

“I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

I can feel my chest tighten up as my heartbeats thrust right out. Get it together Jasmine. Stay strong. “Me neither but you better have a reason at 2:30 in the morning on a Saturday night.”

“Jasmine..”

Hearing him say my name…

Jasmine. Stay strong.

I cross my arms together. They say body language is everything and right now my arms crossed means to back tf off. Although at this moment, I don’t even know if I wanted him to. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“No, I should. I should be here. With you. Because I messed up. Because I – “

I raise my hand. “Stop. Just stop.” I close my eyes as I feel them burning to let tears flow down. “All these months..nothing. And NOW you want to say something? Now??”

He took a step forward. The smell of his breath got stronger..he definitely had way too many shots tonight. I noticed as I looked down to the ground how he kept moving his toes within his sneakers he wore. I couldn’t help but admire the way he dressed..how he always did on our dates out.

“Jasmine, I know you might not believe me, because yes, here I am 2:30 in the morning knocking on your door. But I love you. I always have. I always will.

I looked up quickly, as all my feelings that I’ve been putting down for months came rushing back.

“I have tried to find you in every girl I met.”

I snarled. “Well you should have known you were setting yourself up for failure.”

“Please. Just one conversation. I just..I just want to explain myself.”

I bit my lip and tapped my foot a few times as I leaned against the door and thought. I’ve been fighting every urge to text him, to text this douchebag, every day. I cried for weeks because he left out of MY life. HE needed space. HE never texted me. HE never called. HE wanted to move on without me. HE wanted to see other girls.

“Come on in.” I nodded towards my living room.

What am I doing? What did I just do? This could either go well or could go all wrong. And the fact that it is 2:30 in the morning, means nothing good can come out of this..that it’s about to go all wrong…again.