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Introduction: Along Came She.

Have you ever felt yourself completely vulnerable to your emotions? Where nothing seems to feel better but to embrace the certain emotion you are feeling right at that moment? Well, prepare yourself for this blog as I, a brand new writer, continue to write about my own raw emotions in blogger form as you can say. Follow me on this journey and experience through my own eyes as to what each moment of life expresses as I pass through my 20s.

From romance to religion to family and friends, along came her life, as along came she.

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PTSD

When will it stop?

The sweat,

the racing of my heart,

the nightmares

in the middle of the night.

I gave nothing

Yet you took it all.

I said I didn’t need this.

Yet you thought otherwise.

You took my soul,

burned it and watched it continue to go down in flames.

As I cried no, and burned myself trying to save what was left of me.

No one was around.

No one saw the darkness you portrayed.

I didn’t know how to tell them.

How to tell them what you did.

The pain and misery you caused

And the nightmares that carry on.

It’s been years and you still control my mind.

With the scars that was so deeply wounded.

Ripping it open every night as you control my nightmares.

They can’t say they know what trauma is.

Until they go through what you did to me.

Honesty Vs Lies

People say they want truth, yet they can’t give it.

People say they want honesty, yet they will never tell it.

They would rather lie to your face and make you believe everything is perfect than to crush what you thought was real.

Why are people so afraid to speak the truth? Are they afraid that it’ll bring a reality that is too much of a reality?

Fake people, fake photos, fake stories…that’s all I see today.

Give me some truth. Give me some substance.

How about the truth of what people are really going through on a daily basis? How about some real struggles on social media instead of making sure people think you’re living the perfect life? How about natural looks instead of the compilation of well known make up products all over your face as you pose seductively to get 100, 200, 300+ likes?

I want truth. I want honesty. I want realness.

Realness won’t lie. Realness will give me substance, it’ll tell me what’s right from wrong. It’ll direct me to a better me.

So why can’t we just see that lies only misguide each of us? It’s just a way of allowing fear of the unknown get to us?

Or are we stuck in this world, circling around lies after lies because we want to reach the highest level of perfection not knowing that we are reaching the highest level of division?

Between what’s real and what’s not. Between what we shouldn’t pursue and what we could pursue.

Honesty versus Lies.

You can keep hiding the truth. But I want realness, I want honesty.

Dear Husband

I’m waiting for you.

And not just waiting for you, but actually waiting for you to come grab me as I fantasize about you at work when I should be busy under all the files I have to finish.

I’m waiting on you to tell me I’m the one, to have you see my worth as a woman. I’m waiting on you to love me for me instead of just my looks and my curves unless it’s the curves of my smiles because of the sarcasm and corny jokes you love to tell.

I’m waiting on you to still love the way I trip in my heels because I don’t wear them often enough – only when I want to impress you. I’m waiting on you to tell me how you love the way I hold your face in my hands and look at you in your eyes with pure love.

I’m waiting.

And I’ll keep waiting.

Until you find me looking confused as to what mistake I made to have found you so late because oh, I’ve been looking for you for years.

But.. I want you to find me, and find yourself falling in love with me as you see me kneeling on my knees..closed eyes praying for you, praying for us and our future. Knowing that no one cares the way I have. The way I will.

I want you to notice me when I’m zoned out because I’m too busy thinking of how grateful I am for you while you talk to me.

Because this, my dear husband, is what I will be noticing about you.

Noticing the way your smile curves when I tell you the lamest jokes or use a pick up line on you. I’ll be noticing the way you scan my face as I ramble on about my boring day. I’ll notice the way your face changes when you need me to talk to and get advice from. The way you lean on me knowing that I will always catch you. I’ll notice the way you pray for me and the way you diligently plan our dates and time together. And the times when you share laughs and memories with my family and friends. And best of all, I’ll notice when I’ve fallen in love with the most incredible man who couldn’t be more perfect for me.

Only for me.

And that’s why, dear husband, I’m on my knees, praying you’ll find me soon, because I can’t wait to make these dreams, come true.

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She was that crack of light in that dark presence. The one everyone hoped to feel, everyone hoped to be.

Her resilience was never gone, for there was always enough. Always enough to come back, always enough to stay unbreakable. Her laugh was the sound of pure joy – happiness at its finest.

Her presence had the effect of chills going down every spine. Her walk had purpose in every step and elegance in every stride.

She was the dream of every man, and every woman’s dream of becoming. Her passion and motivation moved those around her.  Her simplicity was one that brought beauty out of her.

But no one understood, that beneath all the perfect smiles, her beautifully distinguished laugh, her glowing face..there was that struggle that tore her down every night.

The struggle of her fighting her own demons, emotionally destructing herself internally as she was always told she wasn’t good enough.

She would never be good enough.

And she looks at those around her who look up to her, and never sees what they see, but only what she sees.

So she continues to smile, hiding her demons away so that not one person sees. For she’s afraid that if they do, they would start to believe what she views herself.

How

How,

How could you leave me so broken? Without a trace of remorse, you left without looking back. 

I still hear our laughs syncing..echoing in the midst of our love that filled the room. 

I still see your smile when I close my eyes, pretending you’re still here. But I wonder how, 

How you were able to move on, when I felt as though everything we had was undeniably so strong, that nothing could cut our ties…except the day you did. 

When you told me it was over, right in between the seasons changing. I remember it so clearly- because your behavior switched as fast as it did from fall to winter. That’s when you shattered my heart and ripped my soul into countless pieces. The cold wind all of a sudden felt worse hitting my face as the door flung open and I saw you walk out. 

How,

How dare you knock on my door, and leave me standing hear with no explanation. How dare you create a deep wound on my heart and leave like you never cut it open. 

And now I fall on my knees, wondering how, how could it be possible to still love you even after the destruction you caused..And five years later, I still need you to answer this one last question.

How?

Mothers 

To every mother who is single,

You have been the strength your child has needed. During the times you felt like you couldn’t provide enough, you provided comfort and love – which was more than enough. During the times where you cried because you felt like you needed support, I thank you for staying strong enough because you knew your kids needed you. You had to be not just the mother but the father in so many occasions.  Your strength and resilience cannot even compare to anyone else. You are loved. You are strong. You are courageous. 

To the birth mothers who placed for adoption,

Thank you for sacrificing your body for 9 months, only to be so humble enough to place your baby with a family who cannot bare children. You are admirable, humble, and nothing is greater than a love so strong and so abundant than those who would do anything in order to make a better future for their child – even if it means giving them to a family who can provide better. Thank you, for your humility and love. Thank you for giving your child life.

To the mothers who are in the army, 

You are the reason why mothers are described as strong. You are the reason why many people admire mothers – because the tasks you do, and then come home to nurture your children. That is one hell of a job. Thank you for your service, your sacrifice, your ability to stay strong for your family and still be able to fight for all of us. 

To the mothers who have lost a child,

I may never know how much pain and loss you feel, and I may never understand the grieving process you had and still have to go through. But I will tell you – you will see them again one day. As they wait for you, they will look after you. Although the pain will never be permanently gone, you will be able to find a way to keep going, keep pressing forward. You have grown so much strength to help you get through this, and I only wish peace for you. You are loved. By so many. And your child loved you so much. You deserve to be happy and I know your child would want you to live happy for their sake. 

For every mother out there,

We love you. We thank you for your constant support and undivided attention. We thank you for every sacrifice you have given us and every opportunity you encouraged us to take. You are beautiful. And for that, I want to say ..

Happy Mother’s Day.

To The One Who Is Heartbroken

You gave your all to the one who never deserved it. You trusted that person thinking they would never hurt you the way they did. Yet, they didn’t care like you did. They didn’t put you first like you did with them. And I bet they would walk away again if they had the chance without any hesitation. 

Which is why you deserve freedom. 
You deserve happiness. And that happiness can only be found walking away and freeing yourself from the guilt of “what ifs”. 

And the moment you do that, you’re able to feel and know what you deserve. The moment you are able to let go, is the moment when you become free. 

But it takes time. 

And I want you to know that time is okay. It is okay to take as long as you want to heal no matter what people say. Because when that time comes, you’ll be glad you were patient with yourself. It takes time to grow, to heal and to mend the broken pieces of your past.

It’s not easy and don’t let anyone tell you it is. Don’t suppress your feelings. 

Scream.

         Cry.

              Get angry or frustrated.

But don’t unpack there.

 There is hope for a new chapter. There is hope that this too shall pass. There is hope where you will have a fresh start again and one day be truly happy without the one who never deserved you. 

So hold on, even if you only have a little bit of strength left. Because you are stronger than you know.  And one day, you’ll see that. And when you do, you’ll finally feel free.