I love you. But I know I can never love you as much as you love me. As much as you have loved me.
I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you. For the times where I wouldn’t listen to you, and the times I blamed you for everything. The times where I would cry my heart out and push you away, yet yell at you at the top of my lungs and refuse to pray. I’m sorry for the times where I didn’t trust you, and when I questioned why you kept putting me through trials and obstacles; why I couldn’t be truly happy. But I never realized that I could have been happy, I was just too stubborn to see it. I wasted so many times walking away from you, instead of running to you.
So, thank you.
Thank you for those moments where I thought you left, but you were holding me so tight in your merciful arms. I want to thank you for letting me cry as I felt your presence right there with me as you wipe the tears that fell down my cheeks. The days where you pushed me to get up even when I felt like I had no hope or motivation for the day. The times where you spoke through others so that I could hear you tell me how much you love me. Thank you for never leaving my side, even when it hurt you so much to see me go against you, to sin against you. Thank you for calming me down when I would punch the wall out of anger or bang my fist several times against the bathtub wall as the shower was running against my body, because I was in so much emotional pain. Thank you for holding me each time I crumbled on the floor for hours, because I felt so heartbroken, useless and alone. Thank you for forgiving me over and over again even when I could barely forgive myself.
Thank you for showing me my own strength and beauty, even during the times I felt so disgusted at myself that I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror.
The more I turned away from you, the more I felt a dark presence and hopelessness. But every time I turned closer to you, you always shined the light through the darkness. Your presence is what makes my heart and soul rejoice. You have shown me what love truly means; how to be happy and at peace. You’ve shown me that blessings always come after the storm. That I just have to trust and patiently wait for it to just pass through.
If I’ve never experienced love before, I know now that I have experienced it with you.
I know I made mistakes in the past. I know I have chosen my will instead of yours. I have thought I was right at times, and that I could prove you wrong. But I can’t take that back, nor can I say that I will be perfect from now on or in the future. But I want you to know, I will try for you. I can’t ever give back as much as you have given me. But I will do my best to flourish our relationship, to draw closer to you. For you know me better than I know myself, and you once told me, “even if your own mother forgets you, I will never forget you, for upon the palms of my hands, I have engraved you”.
Your love, is abundant.
It is true sacrifice, and every time I close my eyes to pray, I envision you with blood dripping down from the crown of thorns placed on your graceful head. I envision the forgiving, most loving look you give me as you continue to carry my cross, carry my burdens to Calvary. I envision you fall, scraping the skin that’s left of your body, yet you pick yourself up along with the cross and continue to bear this, in order for me to live. In order for me to have a chance to live with you for eternity. In order for me to be forgiven, and to love and to be loved.
Your love, it’s abundant. It’s pure, and selfless. The love you have for me can never be compared. And I know it is impossible to love you more than that.
But I can promise you this…
That I will try until my last breath upon this earth to fulfill your will for me. That I will strive to put you first, to trust in you, and to love others as you have loved me. And one day, I hope people will start to see you in me.
Dear God, I love you. Always.