Do Better (Part III)

I sat down only to stand right back up seconds later and walk straight to the kitchen. I pour a glass of water as I feel his eyes staring at me from across the room. I put down the glass, open the fridge and grab the wine out. I need this. As I pour myself a glass and push the water to the corner of the counter.

I take a sip, and walk slowly to the opposite corner he’s in.

I look up at him, only to see him looking down at the floor now while he folds his hands together, shaking them up and down. “I wish I could have taken it all back…”

I feel myself trembling, wanting to say something but I let him continue.

“I can’t say sorry because at this point, what does that even mean? I left you. You were the best thing to ever happen to me, and I…I left you. I feel like there’s nothing I can say to win you back, but I feel like, in my heart, I have to try.”

My heart starts to pound. He’s drunk Jasmine. Don’t give in. After all these months. Don’t. Give. In.

“I love you. I never stopped loving you. And you can believe me or not, but there hasn’t been a day where I tried to push you out of my thoughts. You can’t blame me Jasmine for coming to your door this late at night, drunk AF wanting to talk to you. WANTING to see your face. Wanting to kiss you…”

I look up from my cup of wine as he stares at me with those hazel eyes. Dang he knew how to always make me nervous. After the years we spent together, the months we were apart, he still made me feel this way.

“Tristian, You’re not explaining – ”

He put his hand up, “let me finish. Please.”

I nodded. I needed to stay strong, but I just was so scared to be weak in the moment. In this moment.

“When I met you, I didn’t expect this..us..to be what we were. Remember our first date I took you to? That one Italian restaurant? I forgot the name – ”

“Bella’s” I said quickly.

“Bella’s..” Tristian nodded his head with a smile “Right.” I half smiled, “yeah.”

“I actually was planning on taking another girl out that night after you. We were going to go out to the bars.”

My smile faded quickly. “You’re not giving yourself any points right now.”

“I didn’t go though Jasmine. I canceled on her when you excused yourself to the bathroom during our date. You made me tilt my head to the side that night. I was curious about you. The way you made me smile at your corny jokes, and your beautiful smile. Something told me ‘I have to get to know this girl. There’s something about her.’ So…that’s what I did. We went on a few more dates, several more dates…everything I did for you was genuine. But, I got scared. I should have told you. I just didn’t want you thinking I was less of a man. I got scared because you were too good. You loved me for me. And you know my family. You know how screwed up they are. How my dad left my mom when I was born and I barely know the man now. How am I supposed to learn how to be a man to you when I never had that role model growing up?” I saw a tear roll down his cheek as he bit his lip. “I’m not trying to get emotional, but..I effed up because I didn’t know how to handle what was real, what was in front of me. So I thought that we needed to end things before …” He stopped and looked to the side, staring at the side wall.

“Before what?” I impatiently asked.

“Before I proposed.”

And in that moment, I lost it. I slid down to the floor and cried. He broke me with those words. Tristian ran over to me.

“Don’t touch me! Let me go!” As I tried to push him away, he grabbed tight around my waist, his head on my shoulder. I weeped on his shirt, and continuously hit his back with my fist. But he kept holding me tighter, taking my weak punches.

“Why would you do this? You know I loved you! You know I would have done anything for you!” My tears were running free at this point.

“I know..I know..” he whispered as he held me.

I finally was able to push him back and got up as he sat on the floor. I pointed down at him as my finger and voice were shaking. “Don’t tell me you know, when you have no idea.” I hiccuped and wiped my wet face with my sleeve. “You left me asking myself why I wasn’t good enough. What I did wrong, what could I do to win you back? You have NO right to tell me you were going to propose to me. That’s not fair.”

He slowly brought himself to his feet. “You’re right..”

As he was about to put his hands on my arms, my door banged. What now? Who the heck could it possibly be?

“Umm Jasmine? KEEP THE NOISE DOWN!”

I recognized the voice of my freaking neighbor downstairs that I can’t stand. As he kept banging on my door yelling some words I couldn’t comprehend at this point.

“Leave.” I said.

“What?” Tristian’s eyes got big. “No, we need to -”

I said leave.”  I walked to the door and opened it, my neighbor who was standing on the outside almost fell in from leaning against the door….nosey people I swear.

“BOTH of you leave.” I said as I stared down my 5 foot neighbor.

“Well you need to keep it down or else I’m telling our landlord.”

“And have you paid your last month’s rent bill yet or is that late too? Don’t think I don’t know your sh*t Mr. Haggens.” He looked at me up and down as he adjusted his red silky PJ set he had on.

“You better watch it.” He said, and proceeded to walk right back downstairs.

“Your turn Tristian.” As I still had tears coming down my face along with some snot from my wet nose.

Tristian came up to me forehead to forehead, as I allowed him to. I closed my eyes as one more tear fell down. He put his hands on my cheeks wiping the tears away, and stroking my face. “I’m not giving up.” He whispered. “Not on you. Not on us. Even if you try marrying someone else. I will be the first to ruin that wedding. And you best believe, I whole heartedly swear on that.” And he walked right out.

I closed the door, grabbed my phone and dropped to the floor. As I broke back into tears, I called Marie..

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

“Hello?” As I heard her sleeping voice.

“I need you Marie” as my voice cracked.

“I’m on my way.” She hung up.

I placed my phone next to me on the floor. I gently banged the back of my head on the wall and closed my eyes.

I shouldn’t have let him in. I shouldn’t have let him in.

 

 

 

 

Author: alongcameshe

A 20-something year old trying to find the words to express the realest of the real when it comes to her rawest emotions in life. From experiences to life lessons to things she's passionate to, she experiments with her creative side by blogging her moments in life. As along her life came, along came she.

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