Regrets (Do Better, Part IV)

I can’t believe I lost it. Dang it Jasmine, you were supposed to pull yourself together and not let that man get to you.

It’s been 6 hours since he left the apartment. Marie had fallen asleep next to me in my bed, while I was staring at my ceiling. It’s a Saturday morning, and here I am, instead of sleeping in – I’m wide awake. Thinking about how much of an idiot I looked breaking down in front of him.

I mean all he said was he was going to propose. Not that he got the ring. Not that he had everything ready to go. And I let myself break down.

But how could he have the guts to show up at my door and “profess” his love for me? Like that made any sense to do.

I guess it didn’t, but it makes sense when you have too much to drink.

Marie tosses her body over, facing me. I look over at her as she peacefully sleeps. Marie had this almost complete and perfect life. She was single too, but she had no ex problems. She was free as a kite, living life. Had the best six figured salary type job. Although she says that my life is just as awesome, I’m sure she would agree that right now it isn’t.

“Why are you creepily staring at me Jasmine?” I quickly looked away not realizing I was staring right at her while in my thoughts.

Marie gets up on her forearms and belly. “Jasmine. Have you not slept?”

“I can’t.” As I close my eyes and slump down in my bed as last night replayed over in my head. “Literally my brain is going hay-wire thinking what the heck happened last night. Like seriously Marie, what the heck happened?”

Marie scoots closer to me, slumps back down and puts her arm around my waist. She leans her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. “He loves you. And I think you forgot that. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing, because..really, it’s a good thing you forgot. You started to move forward with your life. But I think when he told you that, you crashed. You were on this high about being single..being free… but the moment he told you how he felt, it was like you were back at square one, right over again.”

If I didn’t understand myself any better, I knew Marie did. I could always count on her to tell me why I felt the way I did and to really understand me. “I just don’t understand..after all this time. Why – ”

I look over and Marie had fallen back asleep. I sigh and pick up my phone to see what time it was.

9:37 am. I wish I could just fall asleep by now.

*phone vibrates*

Tristian: Hey.

And there it was. My heart pounded. I felt even more awake now than I did before I got the text from Tristian.

*phone vibrates*

Tristian: I couldn’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you. About last night. 

Tristian: I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry.

I stared at my phone until I realized it said 9:57 am. I didn’t even know what to say at this point. I turned off my phone and placed it on the floor. I turned Marie over towards her side of the bed, laid down and closed my eyes.

I just wish this problem, this guy, would just disappear. If none of this happened last night – I wouldn’t even be dealing with this problem. I would be waking up from a good night’s sleep. And here I am, trying to put myself to sleep..

If there’s anything in life that I regret now, it’s that I shouldn’t have ever invited him in.

Author: alongcameshe

A 20-something year old trying to find the words to express the realest of the real when it comes to her rawest emotions in life. From experiences to life lessons to things she's passionate to, she experiments with her creative side by blogging her moments in life. As along her life came, along came she.

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